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17October2018

Intimacy4us

Society’s reasons for and against premarital sex

Society’s reasons for premarital sex:
1. It is better not to wait because we all have certain things that stimulates us sexually – be it innocent or strange. But what if your partner has interests you cannot live with? Or what if you are uncertain about your sexual orientation because you have never had sex? It is better to discover this before marriage.
2. For most women the first time is not enjoyable and it is something to be done with sooner rather than later. Some women that experience it for the first time on their honeymoon are left disillusioned and feel negatively about sex. Why spoil your entire honeymoon?
3. You might have medical issues that can be sorted out before you get married. Sex before marriage can help men realise that they might have ejaculation problems, or women can realize that they have vaginism or growths in the vaginal passage. In this case you can get help for it before you get married.
4. You are going to get married for the right reasons and not because your hormones are going wild. Humans are sexual creatures and it is natural to want that level of intimacy with another. Now you decide to wait but the desire for it is so much that you decide to jump into a marriage so you can have “sin free” sex. That is not a good foundation to build a marriage on.
5. Everyone is doing it these days. People can judge as much as they like. The fact is still that most people want to have sex before marriage – regardless if they are believers or not. Why should you thus keep yourself from it if the same people that admonishes you are doing it (or did it) secretly in any way? Admonishments about sex before marriage never stopped anyone in any way.

Society’s reasons against premarital sex:
1. Your spouse will want to know where you learned your tricks and you will have to answer him/her. It is not just going to be awkward for you if your spouse asks where you learned such sexual tricks but he/she will also wonder how honest you were about your past and if you possibly did things that you are simply not telling him/her. The first time you have a serious fight, your sexual history will definitely come up. If you had other sexual partners, your spouse might struggle with jealousy and the fear that he/she might not be as good.
2. You will have to carry the burden of society’s labels. Although many people engage in premarital sex behind closed doors, there is still a stigma attached to those that do it openly. Just consider the saying ‘she is the village bicycle – everybody had a ride’. Or the idea that someone that had premarital sex is ‘second hand goods’. Regardless if you are a teenager or forty-something, judgements like that hurt. Add to that your own struggles with your conscience and feelings of guilt and you can get stuck in a whirlpool of negative emotions. The pleasure of sex is short lived but you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror for the rest of your life.
3. What if you get bored? If you have tried everything you wanted to, what is left? Couples that have had premarital sex often find that the regularity takes a dip after they get married.
4. There is always the possibility of pregnancy or disease. Will you be able to handle an unplanned pregnancy? Are you ready for the pain that will accompany a sexually transmitted disease you received from a partner that said you were his/her first? Despite the best precautions, there is always a chance of a pregnancy or disease that will change your life. Why risk it?
5. Be careful of attachments. The moment you interact sexually with someone there is an emotional, spiritual and physical bond that forms between you. You might be madly in love today, but in a week’s time something happens and the relationship is over. Because you had a sexual relationship it can feel like a mini divorce and it will be more difficult to pick up the pieces and move on. There are those that say sex is just a physical act. This is a naïve perception that you do not want to be true in any way because it will hopefully be sex in your marriage that will draw you even closer together.

What about all the grey areas . . .?

Obviously it is not right for a seventeen year old boy and girl to sleep together. They do not yet know what they want, their lives aren’t sorted out, they have their studies to consider and are not emotionally fit to raise a baby. But who can argue against a 64-year old widow that knows exactly what life is about and just doesn’t what to get married again?

How can you admonish a thirty year old couple that wants to work on their careers and just don’t have the money to buy a house and life together? What about the couple that has so much pain from their previous marriages and don’t want to expose their children to a new life with a new family?

Some people believe that making rules about this is futile because the grey areas differ from person to person and just because older people have more potential to be able to handle the consequences of premarital sex does not mean they will handle it better. Others believe that the grey areas are used as excuses, justifications and manipulation and if you don’t have the money you can get married in court. Yet another opinion is that there are no big or small sins – sin is sin. Every person will have to give their own reckoning when the time comes.

To be continued...