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Intimacy4Us is giving you 10 hints (one for every week) on how you can spoil your wife . . . Make a note in your diary at every Monday.

Week 1: Buy two tickets for a theatre production/movie/concert/any other event and leave it in her car’s windscreen wiper.

Week 2: Invite her two best friends over and serve them with tea and cupcakes.

Week 3: Buy her a lucky-packet ring, put it on her finger and say:”If I could marry you again, I would.”

Week 4: Let her drink coffee while you carry in the groceries alone and pack them into the cupboard.

Week 5: Learn the words of her favourite love song and serenade her at the bedroom window.

Week 6: Underline your favourite verses from Song of Solomon in her Bible and put her bookmark there.

Week 7: Buy her favourite magazine the day that it arrives on the shelves and leave it next to her bath.

Week 8: Put entries in her diary for lovemaking.

Week 9: Buy a takeaway dinner and set the table with candles for both of you.

Week 10: By her a gift (this can range from chocolates to perfume and everything inbetween). Leave the gift on her pillow.

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It’s one of the concepts that often hang in the air without a concrete meaning. What does sexual integrity mean? And is it enough if you promise not to sleep with other men?

You and the other women in the office look twice when a new male colleague walks past you. He has youth and a good body on his side. And a pair of dimples that makes it difficult to peep at him secretly. He stands at the coffee machine and you stare openly. Hmm, you are sure he knows how things work in the bedroom. He has a ring on his finger and you wonder if his wife looks like Salma Hayek, because she must be a looker to have been able to hook this one. Yes, yes, you are also married, but so what? A woman may look at the menu, as long as she eats at home . . . or may she?

Table-top sexuality
To understand the concept of sexual integrity better, you must look at the concept of “table-top sexuality”, explains Shannon Ethridge in her book “Every woman’s struggle”. No, she does not refer to naked games in the kitchen, but to an example that she uses to help women to understand the concept of “sexual integrity” better.

“Just as a table has four legs on which it stands, our sexuality also has four clear facets. If one of the legs moves or is broken, the table is off-balance and becomes a slide,” she explains. “Then your life can become a slippery downhill to discontent, sexual compromise, self-expectancy and emotional brokenness.”

The four legs . . .
“The four dimensions of our sexuality are the physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual,” explains Shannon. “Most people make the mistake to think that our sexuality is limited to the physical and that we are sexual only when we are having sex. That is a lie. God created all people as sexual beings, whether they have sex or not,” she explains. “Our sexuality is not what we do. Even people who have decided to be celibate are sexual beings. Our sexuality is who we are and we are created with a body, a mind, a heart and spirit, not just with a body. Therefore sexual integrity is not just involved with physical purity. It goes about purity in all four facets of our being (body, mind, heart and spirit). When all four facets are in balance with each other, then our table-top (our lives) will display balance and integrity.”

The secret of perfect balance
It’s easy to neglect one of these four facets. When you are so overworked that you don’t have time for your husband, you flood your intellectual facet while your emotional and physical facets are neglected. If you are so eagerly involved in your church activities that you are not really interested in your husband, you flood your spiritual facet and neglect your physical facet. It makes you a woman who is sexually and emotionally unfulfilled. “Sexual integrity is finding a perfect balance between the physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual dimensions of our being.”
Sexual integrity means different things for different women. For a married woman it means to have a bond with her husband physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually, and with no other man outside the marriage. “Any compromise (physically, intellectually, emotionally or spiritually) influences her sexual integrity as a whole. One affected facet will eventually influence all the other facets, or will rob the woman of her sexual wholeness that God wants her to experience.”

Not so easy . . .
“Many women think that they can protect their sexual integrity by staying pure and not having sex with other men. The problem with this is that we believe commitment is only physical, and that we allow ourselves to be gradually drawn in emotionally and then we realise it only when it’s too late. It’s easy to rap the Adams on the knuckles when they can’t keep their eyes off a beautiful pair of legs walking in the street, but women put up the boundaries of sexual integrity in other ways,” explains Shannon.

“When we have an emotional relationship, fantasise in our imaginary world and make unhealthy comparisons, we move the boundaries of sexual integrity, and then we undermine God’s plan to give us the deepest sexual and emotional fulfilment with our present (or potential) spouse.” The secret is not to ask: “How far can I go?” or “What can I get away with?”, because these questions are based on cultural and socially accepted behaviour.

“The answer does not lie in legitimacy, but in Christ-like love,” explains Shannon. “Don’t focus on what is allowed, but on what is the best for everyone involved. Let all your questions filter through the ‘laws versus love filter’. Ask for example if the attention and concern that you want to give a man will build him up or will lead him into temptation.” Shannon explains that sexual and emotional integrity for a Christian woman means that her thoughts, words, emotions and behaviour reflect her inner purity and true love for God.
It does not mean that she will never be tempted to think of unsuitable things, but that she will try to resist them and stand by her convictions. “She doesn’t use men to try to fulfil her emotional needs and she doesn’t pamper sexual or romantic fantasies about men who she is not married to. She doesn’t compare her man to other men, she doesn’t belittle his value and she doesn’t hold back parts of herself in order to punish him for his shortcomings,” explains Shannon.

“She doesn’t choose clothes to get attention from other men, but she also doesn’t limit her clothes to dresses that hang to her ankles only. She can dress according to the latest fashion and can look fantastic and even sexy (as with beauty, everyone knows what is sexy for themselves), but her motivation isn’t self-interest or to be seductive. She presents herself as an attractive woman because she knows she is representing God.”

Shannon explains that a woman with integrity lives the standard of love, rather than the laws. “A woman with integrity lives out of everything that she believes about God, and it’s visible in every facet of her life – from the boardroom to the bedroom.”

•    The article is based on chapter 2 from the book “Every woman’s struggle” by Shannon Ethridge (CUM). Read in the next Intimacy4us how you can keep your sexual integrity.

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Yes, we know that you sometimes think we go on and on about something and you get bored most of the time with the details we find important, but remember: It means the world to a woman if you really listen. You don’t have any idea how?

This is how it’s done:

Be there for her. Most of the time our mind wonders, but switch off the television and focus. Give her your undivided attention – it’s more difficult than you think, especially when there’s a nice song on the radio.

You must talk to your wife every day. Take the time to communicate with her. You don’t have to say much, just ask a question every now and again. Let her do most of the talking.

Don’t have selective hearing or switch off when she starts chatting about her hair.

Repeat her main ideas. This way she knows that you have really been listening and paying attention to what she says. Get excited with her and show emotion.

eep your mouth shut. Maybe she is sharing her day with you, but she can’t do it if you keep on interrupting her! Keep quiet and allow her to speak.

Be impartial when you listen. You don’t have to agree, the aim is to understand.

Remember that she talks in a roundabout way and you must read between the lines. If she says: “I’m so tired of making coffee every morning,” it actually means: “Won’t you make coffee every now and again?”

If you listen better, you will be able to make better decisions, long before it gets out of control. Women mention something, after which they begin to nag and then they get very angry. If you can pick up the problem at “mention” or even before she mentions it, you will be saved a lot of drama.

To listen is one of the most important aspects of a successful relationship. To recognise other people’s needs, is impossible if you don’t know them.

Don’t ever belittle her. Don’t tell her that she has a distorted view of things or that you know better. The idea is to have a pleasant conversation with her, with the aim of opening doors in the relationship.

If you have to disagree with her, disagree. Do it in a respectful way by being fair and ensuring that both parties are heard. As soon as the conversation is over, don’t try to get in the last word!

www.ehow.com; www.hubpages.com

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A lily sometimes has more power than a bouquet. Sometimes a look says so much more than a French kiss.  And sometimes a touch is greater than an embrace.  Less is often more…  Here are a few simple ways to show hubby how much you love him.

1.       Instead of phoning your best friend and telling her about the silly thing you have done, phone his mother and tell her what a good father he is…

2.       Respect him when you visit and never belittle him with sarcasm, or roll your eyes when he tells an old joke.

3.       When he loses his humour again with a petrol assistant, don’t say: “You are so aggressive”. Men are very aware of their weaknesses, it’s not necessary that you remind him of them.

4.       Listen to his ‘footnotes’. If he mentions again that he’s a big ‘rolling stone’ fan, go and buy him a CD as a surprise.

5.       When you are snappy with him again as only a woman with PMS can be, apologise immediately and say: “It’s not you, I just feel bad.”

6.       Encourage his hobbies. Even if you can’t understand his love for his bike, say something like: “Wow, I like these tassels!”

7.       Don’t make jokes about his team! Even if his team keeps on losing, bite your tongue, and go and do your victory dance in the kitchen.

8.       If he really needs your help, leave what you are busy with and make him your top priority by going and helping him – by this you show him that at that moment he’s the most important thing to you.

9.       Don’t ever compare him with your friend’s husband that’s so capable in the kitchen (or bedroom!) When you do compare him, make sure it includes characters like Superman and The Incredible Hulk!

10.   Don’t let him feel guilty; he most likely has an active conscience. If you had forgotten your daughter’s netball match, you wouldn’t want to be constantly reminded of it.

11.   Listen to him. Yes, leave everything that you are busy with and don’t just listen with half an ear while you multi-task, but take his hand, look him in the eye and listen.

12.   Sing to him, even while you cook. Say: “Here is a song that makes me think of you”, and go for it. Even if you can’t hold a note, the idea will mean more to him than your singing talent (or the lack of it).

13.   Lie a bit longer in his arms on a Saturday morning. If you are normally the one to jump up and start to get things ready while he lies a bit longer, cuddle up next to him and lie a few minutes longer.

14.   Send him a SMS to say that you are thinking of him and that he is still as special to you as the day you met him.

15.   Surprise him one day by taking over one of his tasks. If he normally mows the lawn and you know he has had a difficult day, jump in behind the mower and do it yourself.

16.   Tell him what bible character he reminds you of and why (naturally it must be positive qualities that he exudes).

17.   For one night leave the dishes/toys/ironing and go and sit next to him on the couch with two glasses wine.

18.   Buy a bottle of champagne and make a toast to him at the breakfast table in front of the children, just to say what a wonderful person he is to you.

19.   Pray out loud for him and make the focus of your prayer saying thanks, but also ask God to stand by him, lift him and to protect him.

20.   Make his favourite childhood treat (unless it is his mother’s fudge, Rice Crispy biscuits or milkshake).

21.   Give him passionate, intimate oral sex without expecting anything in return.

22.   Take extra trouble with your appearance and if you know he likes red lipstick (even if you hate it), put it on before he comes home.

23.   Ask him if there’s anything special that you can do for him, and do it without a sigh!

24.   Ask his help – even when you don’t need it. Even if you know you could open the tomato sauce bottle with a wet cloth, ask him to do it for you.

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The topic is often avoided and the tough questions are skimmed over. Intimacy4Us asked two of our country’s top sexologists, Elmari Mulder-Craig (also a co-worker at Intimacy4Us) and Dr Etienne Kok, to answer 15 tough questions honestly. This is what they had to say:

Question 1: What does a sexologist do?

Etienne: Even the term or title is off-putting. Literally it means a person who specializes in the knowledge of sex, or somebody who studies sex. There are people who call themselves sexologists, clinical sex therapists, sexual health physicians, sex counsellors, sexuality educators, marriage counsellors or relationship therapists.

Elmari: A sexologist is someone who has specialized in sexology or sex therapy. The aim of sex therapy is to focus on the sexual side of a relationship. Sexual problems are one of the most common sources of conflict in a relationship and are often also the reason for divorce. This is a specialized field and can help to solve problems within the marriage. I believe in a holistic, multi-professional team approach. These things work on body, soul and a spiritual level. Sex therapy and marriage counselling can’t be successfully done with only one person, and you can seldom focus only on the physiological dysfunction, seeing as there is an overflow effect. Sexual problems must be solved within a relationship context. Sex therapy combines sex education, relationship counselling and sexual exercises.

Question 2: So tell us something about yourself. Where did you study, how many years are you practising now and why did you decide to become a sexologist?

Etienne: I qualified as a medical doctor at the University of Pretoria and then decided to study psychology after-hours during my internship and conscription at 1 Military Hospital – because I knew about sicknesses, but I understood very little about the people who got sick. During my conscription I worked at the urology department. Everyone thought I was the ideal person to work with patients who have sexual problems because I studied psychology. I started to read about sexual dysfunction out of desperation and decided to specialize in urology. After a few years in the urology department at the University of Pretoria, I realized that an urologist was mostly a surgeon and that was not where my heart lay. I worked in the andrology department – where the focus is on male infertility problems and sexual dysfunction. Later I went to the Loyola Sexual Dysfunction Clinic in Chicago, USA, to get further training. I also did a course in marriage education and counselling at Unisa. I got training in hypnotherapy and am a registered psychometrist, and also a member of the International Society for Sexual Medicine (ISSM), European Society for Sexual Medicine (ESSM), International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health (ISSWSH) and a peer reviewer for the Journal of Sexual Medicine (JSM). I am a lecturer in urology at the Department of Urology and for the past 23 years I’ve been a sexual health physician.

Elmari: I originally qualified as a social worker. The dynamics of relationships have always fascinated me and as I did more marriage and relationship counselling, I realized that people tended to avoid discussing sexual problems in their marriages. Research has shown that couples argue the most about money, but it is sex that creates the most problems in a marriage. Interesting, hey? Therefore I decided to specialize in sexology. I went to the Loyola Sexual Dysfunction Clinic in Chicago, USA, for further training. I then got my master’s degree with the focus on sexology and sexual problems, and specialized in psychometristry. I am also a certified, advanced, clinical hypnotherapist at The Wellness Institute in Washington, USA. I am a well-known speaker and have given input into 15 books. My professor, Hannie Stander, and I wrote a book, “The A-Z of Sex”, which is a best-seller. I also give regular contributions to magazines and daily newspapers and appear on radio and television.

Question 3: There are so many people who call themselves “sexologists”. How do you know that your sexologist is the real deal?

Etienne: Find out what their qualifications are and where they achieved it. Not everyone who calls themselves “doctor”, is medically qualified. Many sexual dysfunctions have a medical reason, and in some cases a registered nurse and physiotherapist can diagnose your body. Psychologists, social workers, theologists, counsellors and educators can, according to their training, only give information, counselling and therapy, but not diagnose or give prescriptions. Ensure that the sexologist is registered with the Health Professions Council of South Africa (HPCSA), who is there to protect the public.

Elmari: This is a very difficult question because there isn’t a society in South Africa where you can register as a sexologist, and there isn’t going to be one any time soon. A minister, doctor, gynaecologist, social worker, nurse or psychologist can study further and call themselves a sex therapist, but they do not necessarily know about all the therapeutic skills. It is also important that all the medical reasons of sexual dysfunction first get diagnosed by a medical doctor, like a gynaecologist or urologist. The best is to follow your gut. Does this therapist resonate with you and do you feel comfortable and safe there? Integrity also matters and make sure that the person is registered with a professional board. Don’t just accept and believe what the person tells you. The best is to choose someone that you can trust on the grounds of word of mouth.

Question 4: There is lately a lot of controversy in the media regarding sex, and Gretha Wiid has claimed to be the expert on where sex begins. Where does sex begin according to you? (At mutual masturbation, making out, penetration?)

Etienne: People may differ from me, but my definition of sex is the physical activity where the end aim is for one or both parties to reach an orgasm. To experience an orgasm, is to say to your partner: “I am prepared to lose control over my body for a few seconds in your presence and with your physical help.” It’s something very private and personal that is in ideal situations shared with only one other person. To say that mutual masturbation and oral sex that leads to an orgasm isn’t sex, but only foreplay, carries no logic. If only penetration sex was true sex, then more than half of women in relationships have never had real sex, because it’s impossible for them to reach an orgasm with penetration only!

Elmari: I have a problem with the word “sex” because everyone’s definition of sex is different. For me it matters where a relationship begins. When you have an emotional relationship with somebody where you feel safe and comfortable, must your physical relationship also grow as your emotional relationship grows? I see daily how people have buried their sexuality. A couple must decide for themselves what sex is for them and what they are comfortable with. I completely agree with Etienne’s opinion!

Question 5: Many young Christians struggle with sex before marriage. Sexologists often say that a relationship must develop naturally, but where does this leave a young Christian couple?

Etienne: This is where a relationship must develop naturally, also the physical. Unfortunately people get too physical in the “in love” stage, and even have sex. There is nothing as bad as when you are looking for love and acceptance and then instead get sex that is not equal to love. It is often said that couples must ensure that they are sexually compatible before they get married. A penis and a vagina are made to be compatible. A person must ensure that you are emotionally, intellectually and spiritually compatible and that doesn’t happen easily if you are already on the physical road.

Elmari: Nine out of ten couples that I see had sex before marriage and feel guilty about it. Or they suppressed it and the wedding night was a disaster. A young couple must decide for themselves where their last step on the ladder is before they step over the line. Naturally things depend on how long they have been together and how old they are. There are many Christian couples who are divorced and had sexual relationships before. Where does the “no sex before marriage” promise leave them? The respect that a couple has for each other and their commitment to each other is more important for me. There are two approaches: The rule-bound approach that says: “For me as a Christian there are rules – you may for example touch my breasts, but no further.” And there is another consequentiality approach that looks at the intentions and results of a couple’s activities. I am more inclined to agree with the second approach, but then a couple must know that they must be mature enough to follow it through.

Question 6: What do you do if only one partner is willing to go for counselling?

Etienne: Couples with sexual problems normally have relationship problems too, but also the other way around – relationship problems can also create sexual problems. It’s almost impossible to try to solve a problem like this if both parties are not willing to work on it. Even if sexual dysfunction is the result of a medical problem and should be solved with medication, a person should still make the partner part of the solution.

Elmari: Then only one person goes for counselling. Relationships force you to confront your own issues, problems and hurts. Certain things come to the surface and then counselling is necessary. You can start with yourself and then change the energy of the relationship. If you change how you handle the dynamics of the relationship, you also force your partner to change, and often it is a case of “I want what you have”.

Question 7: Some people are afraid of what to expect when they visit a sexologist. Tell us what a couple can expect and how much it will cost.

Etienne: Sex therapy doesn’t require that you get rid of your clothing, or that you have to partake in sexual activities with yourself or with each other in the presence of the sexologist, or with the sexologist! A detailed sexual history will be taken (sometimes together and sometimes apart) and it may include that very personal sexual questions can be asked. This is so that the sexologist can get to the root of the problem. All information is confidential and stays between you and the sexologist. It’s always important that the medical reason for the sexual dysfunction gets diagnosed and treated – for this reason a medical and genital investigation will be conducted in most cases. If the sexologist is not qualified to do that, the couple must be referred to a qualified person. The sexologist shall then talk to the couple and expect of them to do some homework. I work in a state hospital. A person pays a specialist consultation fee. Depending on your income and medical aid, the consultations are normally covered.

Elmari: Because I believe in a holistic approach, the first session is a complete assessment and sexual history. Couples prefer sometimes to come apart, because they feel they can talk more freely and then we decide on the follow-up sessions and what the plan of action will be. Sometimes individual therapy is better in the beginning before we can begin with marriage counselling or sex therapy. Often it’s necessary to begin with post-traumatic stress or sexual trauma therapy to heal the past hurts before the process can move forward. Therapy fees in private practises differ. My current fee is R450,00 per hour, of which medical aids usually pay a part. 

Question 8: What types of questions do you come across the most often?

Etienne: People’s ignorance regarding their own sexual functioning and their partners, and the differences in how people view, approach and experience their needs and sexual drive, result in the most sexual problems. Specific sexual dysfunctions like libido with men and women, sexual pain disturbances and orgasm problems with women, premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction with men can have medical or psychological reasons, and lead to personal and relationship problems. These I see often.

Elmari: Normal relationship problems. People can’t communicate or handle conflict effectively. Many people have unrealistic expectations of marriage and sexuality. Many people have unnecessary guilt feelings over their sexuality. There are also people who have hurts that they experienced in their childhood and they are not necessarily dramatic events. Then there are also physical problems, like women who can’t reach an orgasm and women who don’t have a sex drive (I just don’t feel like having sex), premature ejaculation, and men and women who experience pain during penetration.

Question 9: What do you believe is the one sex aid that a married couple can’t do without?

Etienne: There is no such thing! What I seriously recommend, is never to have dry sex. This makes a lubricant sometimes very necessary or a wonderful aid. A simple vibrator is also sometimes a wonderful aid for couples in cases where the woman has never before experienced an orgasm or struggles to have one.

Elmari: To allow your partner to be the best that they can be, in other words to accept them unconditionally for the person they are.

Question 10: Many people wonder and differ about sex toys. For once and for all – is it ok? What sex aids are not acceptable?

Etienne: “Normal” when it comes to sexual intimacy, is what both feel a desire for, what both enjoy and what doesn’t lead to any physical, emotional or spiritual disadvantages. Sex toys must be seen or judged in this light. Anything that causes pain or potential damage (for example infections) is not acceptable! There are many people who have a satisfying sex life and relationship without ever using toys.

Elmari: The answer lies with the intentions of the relationship. If you use a vibrator and brag to your friends that you now have a “lover”, it’s not acceptable. If you use a vibrator to spice up your sex life, then it can be wonderful. A lubricant is a compulsory aid, a feather is optional. Also a scarf, book, film, the whipped cream in the fridge . . . What is not acceptable, depends on the framework within which the sex aids are used. If both give permission and it does not lead to physical or emotional damage, it’s acceptable. It also depends on what you view as sex aid. If a man brings in a third party and claims it’s a sex aid, it’s definitely not acceptable! If it’s something that affects your integrity, the integrity of your relationship, your commitment and trust, then it’s a problem. Men often communicate their love to their wives through the sexual and women want to be touched, cherished and have a spiritual connection that you can’t get from any toys.

Question 11: What should a married Christian couple avoid?

Etienne: Things that lead to pain, being uncomfortable, irritation, frustration, unfaithfulness and feelings of being forced, misused and belittling. A third party (affair), more than one sexual partner at the same time (threesome) and the swopping of sexual partners (swinging) are red-light activities for a married couple.

Elmari: A third party, or anything that sacrifices the sacredness of your relationship.

Question 12: How do you know when it is necessary to see a sexologist? And what results can you expect?

Etienne: Don’t wait until the problem is too big or unsolvable. Sometimes giving permission, getting information, advice and medical treatment can cause a dramatic improvement in a sexual relationship. Poor communication and conflict that gets worse and is not resolved must also be addressed by a professional person.

Elmari: Hopefully you realize early enough that there is a problem. Naturally also when there is a sexual dysfunction, when you argue about sex, when your needs differ or when sex becomes boring for you. Results depend on how open you are to change and how prepared you are to work. It’s sometimes necessary for a therapist to look into the relationship from the outside.

Question 13: What is the most important thing that men and women should know about oral sex?

Etienne: It’s not for everyone, and there’s not necessarily something wrong with you if you don’t like to give or receive it. Don’t try to think about it or react to it on behalf of your partner. Men and women often have different views and needs regarding this and we’re not going to change each other. Hygiene is important and don’t forget that sexually transmitted diseases are also spread in this manner.

Elmari: Relax and enjoy!

Question 14: What’s normal in a marriage? Should everyone have sex twice a month on the kitchen table?

Etienne: Normal is not what people see in films, DVDs and on television. It’s even less than what you see in pornography. Sex is a small, but important part of what two people share in a marriage. Today there is too much emphasis on making sex, where you need places, areas, techniques, positions and sex toys or aids and too little emphasis on making love, where you need only two people that are still breathing!

Elmari: To open the door and say: “Cake or tart?” No. Dance around a broomstick? No. Many people read advice and tips and wonder if they are normal, but you must ask yourself: Is it necessary that I climb out of my own comfort shoes and widen my horizons? Is there something that is making me feel uncomfortable? What is normal? Normal is what is normal for you! If you are both happy to have sex once a month, that’s normal. If one wants sex once a month and the other once a day, then you have a problem (and it doesn’t mean that one or both of you is normal!). Gather information if you need inspiration, but don’t think that everything is supposed to work for everyone.

Question 15: Please give five small changes that a married couple can do to bring a huge positive change.

Etienne: 1. Communicate more and better. Make sure that your partner hears and understands what you are saying. Make time to talk to each other about your sex life. Talk about your needs, preferences and things you don’t like.

2. Don’t try to change each other, it’s not possible. You will just start to resent your partner, get frustrated, ruin them, wound them and in the end destroy them.

3. Handle conflict that is necessary, natural and unavoidable in a mature way. Learn to make compromises.

4. Don’t make sex a weapon, negotiating tool, glue, problem solver, comforter or stress releaser. This is not the aim of sex in a relationship.

5. Have less sex and love each other more!

Elmari: 1. Know yourself and be comfortable with your body and your God-given sexuality. Be a healthy person inside, emotionally and physically.

2. Do something small that’s special for each other every day. Make quality time for each other where you give attention only to each other, without children or cell phones.

3. Learn to communicate effectively, to listen and to handle conflict. Get to know each other’s needs and make your spouse your top priority, without sacrificing yourself in the process.

4. Go away alone at least twice a year, just the two of you, because the energy between the two of you is different to when the children are with you or even when you are with other people.

5. Forget sometimes of the aim of sex and focus more on the sexuality.

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 An annual teen supplement with the focus on sexual issues.

This issue appears together with the Oct/Nov 2011 issue of INTIEM magazine.

Click on the magazine cover to read the guide (please allow some time to load…)

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For futher details and terms and conditions, visit our Facebook page: www.facebook.com/intimacy4us

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Does Super sport get preference over supersex in your bedroom? You have a problem, lady! Television in the bedroom is allowed, but then you must keep to the rules…

There is an advert break and just before the advert about the dog with the human mouth, you get hubby’s attention with your new satin number. You crawl on all fours with your winter throw closer and smile all friendly. He smiles back with a twinkle in his eye, but the next moment you feel a bump on the shoulder, your face hits the pillows and hubby shouts:  “Yes!” For a moment you wonder what grabbed his attention and then you hear the sports commentators’ voice, and you know you are in the heat of the game and you are removed with enthusiasm out of his line of sight! And that through a repeat!

A death blow for your sex life!

A study by an Italian sexologist found that couples who have a television in their bedroom had half the amount of sex of those who didn’t. “When there wasn’t a television in the bedroom, the amount of regular sex doubled,” says Serenella Salomoni, whose team of sexologists questioned 523 Italian couples to understand the effect that television had on their sex lives.

Italians without television in their bedrooms had sex twice a week (or 8 times a month). Those with a television in their bedroom had to be satisfied with an average of 4 times a month, was found in the study. The effect is even more dramatic in older couples! Fifty plussers have sex an average of 7 times per month, but those who have a television in the bedroom have sex only 1.5 times a month! There was also found that films with violence was a passion killer for half of those couples and that reality programmes increase passion for a third of couples.

How does the television worm its way in?

It does not just go about the television programmes that get preference above other activities, explains experts, but also the quality of your sleep. Television cuts people off, and when your brain gets switched off it gets difficult to connect with someone else.

So, if people know this, why is a television set still so popular? Experts explain that it’s because the white noise from the television helps people to fall asleep, and because it’s relaxing, educational and entertaining, it helps people to switch off after a long day.

Many people like to start their day with the television news and a television in the room gives people a place to escape to, away from the children. For couples where one partner is ill, it’s a good option (they can anyway not have fun in bed!) and sometimes peoples taste in viewing differs so much that a second television removes a huge amount of conflict in the relationship!

Can a television in the bedroom be good in anyway?

Does a television in the bedroom have any benefits for your marriage? Yes, explains Debbie Magids, writer of “Keeping a TV in the Bedroom: Bad Idea?” “Television can improve a relationship”, she explains. “Couples have bonded through favourite television programs that they watch together every evening or every week – it does not matter what they watch! It also creates an opportunity for a couple to crawl into bed and to decide to spend alone time together: The telephone doesn’t get answered and the e-mails build up in the room next door…

The key is that televisions in the bedroom is a personal choice, but try to be honest with yourself. If your television is a source of entertainment for you alone, go ahead and wean yourself off it. If the television aids in you ignoring issues in your life, switch it off immediately.”

Also Dr. Pam, writer of “TV in the bedroom?” explains that the television will only influence your intimacy if you allow it, and the writer explains that every intelligent couple will make their bedroom a sensual love zone that reflects the nature of their relationship.

So make it work!

So now you have a dilemma. Hubby is used to the television (and to tell the truth, it’s also nice for you to fall asleep after a good chick flick with hubby next to you…) so how do you make the television work in the bedroom?

·         Ensure that the decision to have the television in the bedroom is both of yours.

·         Keep the volume soft, or wear headphones if the noise bothers you.

·         Don’t watch violent or scary movies before bedtime.

·         Put the television in a cabinet with doors so that you can close it when you are not watching.

·         If space permits, put couches in your bedroom for watching television so that the bed is for sex and sleep only.

·         Put on a timer so that after an hour or two the television will switch off automatically.

·         Consider buying a “fireplace” CD for romantic evenings.

·         Watch a romantic movie every now and again.

And, if you really want to surprise hubby, record yourself with a video camera where you do a cute strip dance on the table (rhythmical music and all!), write Rugby final on the DVD and watch his face when he presses the play button… he will be yours and yours alone after that!

Additional sources: www.marriage.about.com; www.health.am; www.glamour.com; www.intimatemedicine.com; www.intimatemedicine.ca

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You have in one week out of frustration bumped your wife’s car, forgot your wedding anniversary and have invited your parents over for dinner without discussing it with her first. To say you are in trouble is an understatement!

If your wife thinks you are only saying sorry because you want to benefit from the “make-up” sex, then the hot water you find yourself in is going to start boiling! So remember to be honest and to really make an effort not to make the same mistake again. If you time and time again do the same thing and have to make excuses, it shows that you are not really sorry, but also that you don’t really care what upsets her. If you know why she is angry, apologise for that directly, not just in general. If you really don’t know why she is angry, find out! Here are a few more tips:

·         Don’t ever apologise over the phone, also not in a message or in an e-mail. That’s cheating.

·         Don’t allow your excuse to become an angry outburst. The issue is not her part of the fight, but your apology. If you have a cute wife, she will also apologise – if you are honest.

·         Don’t allow too much time to pass before you apologise. If you wait too long, she will think you are only apologising to get out of trouble and into her good books. Don’t apologise in the heat of the argument. (The chances are good that you are anyway not going to hear yourself talk!)

·         Buy her a pretty pair of shoes (keep the slip). Wrap it in gift paper (not the ones who have balloons, babies, wedding rings or happy birthday on it). Write a note that says: “I tried to stand in your shoes for a few minutes, but I now see that I was wrong. Sorry I hurt you and I didn’t see the situation from your perspective. Will you forgive me?”

·         Be very specific. If you can describe in concrete terms what you did wrong, then your wife will know that you understand what you did wrong.

·         Be humble and show that you can be the least. If you can show this to your friends and children, it will take you far. A strong man will know when to say sorry.

·         Jump in first. If you both can be blamed for the problem, ensure that you’re the first one to apologise. You’re the head of the house. If your wife also owes you an apology, it will follow.

·         If she doesn’t accept your apology, don’t get upset and then get angry all over again. Try again later. It shows your wife that you are really sorry and that it’s important to you that she knows it.

Sources: www.exinearticles.com; www.ehow.com

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‘Roses are red, violets are blue…’ sometimes doesn’t work so well. You have a strong need to express your love like the great poets of old, but where do you start? And how do you add a few modern day sayings into your love letter?

A love letter is a classic way in which to declare your love, and seeing as its a hundred year old practise and has never died out, it must work? You need the following:

Paper (preferably not the kind with red hearts on – that is obvious and can easily look cheap)

A pen (make sure it writes, so that there aren’t ugly scribble marks on your letter)

Imagination (and a touch of fantasy!)

This is how it’s going to work…

A love letter can be as personal as you make it. If you want to write him a letter that could just as easily have been read in the open, then that’s fine. If you want to write something that is meant for his eyes only and only in the bedroom (preferably when you’re not nearby, or the light is switched off), then that’s also fine – even better! You must write about your feelings, what you think and what you like. You letter can be flowery and poetical, or simple and direct. It depends on your personal style and you should not sound like a stranger (unless you for example give it to him from the ‘love police’!)

There are different styles…

There are different styles for a love letter – it can be as tame or as wild and erotic as you would like it to be. A love letter can be as simple as: “I love you and I’m thinking of you, xxx”. Or it can be an erotic, sexy letter that tells your partner exactly what you’d like to do to him, how long you’d like to do it to him and how it’s going to let you feel…

If you’d like to write a historical love letter, you can describe how you met, when you realized he was the one for you and how you enjoyed your wedding day. Your love letter can also be futuristic, by talking to him about your dreams for your relationship and the places you’d like to visit with him.

The receiver

Your love letter is about your life partner and how you feel about him. Be honest and specific. It’s the nicest thing to receive a love letter and it also opens up your emotions and feelings. You’ll maybe experience a deeper level of emotions and love because you maybe put your feelings into words for the first time and then you hear it. Your partner’s maybe more open and emotional after he has read your love letter and you expressed your emotions so openly.

The writing

As far as it goes with the writing, you may experience problems. Not everyone knows where to begin. Maybe you know exactly what to say. If you’re not so lucky, and if you want your letter to be exotic or poetical and you don’t know how to get it that way, get a few things to help you. Read books, magazines and other people’s declarations of love on the internet to get inspiration. You can page through your photo albums or memory box. Go and sit quietly in a corner and think what it’s you really want to say. If you get inspiration from other sources remember to make it your own.

Focus on emotions

Remember that your emotions must form the core of your love letter. It’s what it’s all about. Not about jobs and activities, but how you feel about your partner. Ask yourself the following questions: How did you feel when you saw him for the first time? Were you afraid on your first date? If you can’t answer how you felt then you have a big problem, because love is about feelings and how it’s going to make him feel when he reads the letter.

The delivery

There are so many creative ways to deliver the letter. If it’s a Christmas love letter, place it under the tree or hang it on the tree. If your partner goes to the gym daily, put it in his gym bag. Leave it on his seat in the car or under his pillow. If he’s going away, you can pack it into his suitcase. Put it into his cereal box or in his underwear drawer. The options are endless…

And most important: Don’t let it become a task, enjoy the writing!

Do you still have your hands in your hair?

Georgia O’Keeffe wrote love letters to photographer, Alfred Stieglitz. He was married, but Karma was reliable, and after the two were married he also cheated on her. We can now read her letters for inspiration – it was published last year as part of the Whitney-Art Gallery’s new exhibit. Here are some of them:

From New York

13 June 1918

You will be here in a few minutes I guess but I have to get up and write you – it’s necessary – I must – I’ve been lying here listening for you in the dark – my face feels so hot Aching for you way down to my finger ends – an actual physical ache –

As I came up the street into the sunset after supper – I wondered – can I stand it – the terrible fineness and beauty of the intensity of you – I do not know – may yet have to run away – it seems almost too much –

And lying here – wanting you with such an all ache – not just wanting – loving – feeling – all the parts of my body touched and kissed – conscious of you

A volcano is nothing to it

No words I know say the hotness – consumingness of it

Still I some way feel I can be quiet when you come can control myself

Feeling it grow though—I seem to feel that the moment will come when I can’t control myself when I’ll be blind and mad

…

The woman you are making seems to have gone far beyond me – Almost out of sight

Additional Sources: www.ehow.com

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