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17July2018

Intimacy4us

How do you know he is the one?

The names of your children (the ones that still have to been born) have already been decided. You look for property near the best school in town and you’re his and hers towel sets are waiting to be used... but inside your depths a little voice whispers: “Is he the one?”

You have no shortage of butterflies in your stomach! He takes your breath away. He makes your knees weak and your heart beat faster... and all those things! An intense feeling, yes, but is it more than that? You must make sure before you get married. But – are you ever sure? And if you are not sure, does it mean he is the wrong one... or has society just drugged you into the ‘you will just know’ theory?

‘I ignored all the warning signs’
Leana met Deon and after three years the chemistry was still there. She believed the kisses that they could use to set the fields alight, was a definite reason and they were destined to be together. But the sparks blinded her and they were divorced two years later. “There were small signs before we got married that made me upset. He would be little me in front of friends by saying things like: “Do you really think you should be eating desert?” or to talk for me and to say things like: “I don’t think Leana is going to drink another glass of wine – if you knew what happened the previous time she had her third glass of wine, you will know what I mean.” He would make a joke of it and everyone would laugh, but I would shrink into myself – and most of the things he would say would not even be the truth. It made the red lights flash, but I preferred to ignore it, because he was supposed to be the one for me, and I thought the passion between us would overcome everything. I should have trusted my sixth sense...”

‘My doubt stole my husband to be’
In Rika and William’s four year long relationship everything was perfect. They both loved mountain bike riding, he treated her like a princess and they could talk for hours. They were madly in love and William had all the qualities that Rika believed a husband should have, but there was one problem: If there was a competition with this title, then Rika would have been crowned as Miss Sceptical years ago. She believed that their fairytale was ‘too good to be true’, and she waited for the bubble to burst.

The moment when they as fiancés started to argue about who he wanted in his wedding party, Rika found the reason to break off the relationship. “Our separation went badly and today William is married to a friend of mine. He is the ideal man and they are extremely happy, I regret my decision, and I know we would have had a dream marriage, but I didn’t want to believe in a happily ever after. To tell the truth, not one of my relationships has worked out, because I measure them all against William. I let a good man slip through my fingers, because I let doubt get control of me...”

So, how do you know he is the one?
Research has shown that it important to get to know your partner as well as you can before you take the step to get married. Don’t be like Leana and underestimate the power of the initial attraction power. Being in love lasts different times with different couples, but it can’t last forever – it is part of the love cycle – and when it fades you must make sure there is enough love to replace the butterflies in the stomach.

When you get to know someone, they normally put their best foot forward (just like you). He hides his bad habits and bites his tongue. You are blind to his true character and the only way you are going to get to know this, is to realize that his favourite ice-cream or dream car is irrelevant... rather do research on other things: What do you like and what not? Is he a racist? How does he feel about woman’s rights? What do his friends think about him? How does he treat his mother and other family members? Does he accept responsibility for his mistakes? Is he generous? Does he take other people’s feelings into consideration?

His interaction with other people says a lot about a man, explains Kathy Reed O’Gorman in her article How to know if He’s the One – Choosing your Life Partner. Is he rude to waiters? Does he show basic manners towards you – such as keeping his appointments and does he do what he says he will?

“To trust a man, is to believe he does his best and he wants the best for his partner, explains Jel D. Lewis, relationship researcher and writer.

Your best friend is often a good choice
Don’t ignore the warning signs. Often people see the red lights, but prefer to ignore them, for the sake of your conviction that he is the one for you. Don’t try to rationalize your concerns. If it doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t right. Remember that your dream man must make you feel good about yourself and encourage you to grow. If you were not in a relationship with him, you must still want to be friends with him.

Marriage is not just for comfortable times, but an “I-will-always-stay-with-you-no-matter-what” commitment. You and you partner should be best friends and be able to talk about everything, without fighting, is the meaning on the website www.romanceclass.com.

If you sometimes shout at each other and avoid certain topics, something is wrong. Remember that you can never base your love on only one aspect. If you for instance have a love for rock climbing and your partner has an accident and is paralysed, your relationship must still survive it, in spite of the fact that you can no longer enjoy your great love together anymore.
Also don’t base your love on who you are now – people change dramatically through the years. You must know that you can grow together and that you will allow each other to do so.

Nobody can choose for you...
Rachel Greenwald, a matchmaker tells how she in 1992 nearly put on her running shoes in front of the altar, because she could not live with the ‘I told you so’ thought. She could not convince herself at that moment that her feelings meant that things would work out for them long term. She dropped her bouquet, collapsed onto a chair nearby and burst into tears, while her worried fiancé carefully approached.

“I wondered when reality would come knocking on my door. We loved each other – lots. But who could believe that love alone can stand the test of time, while 50% of today’s marriages end up in the divorce court?” She said that she couldn’t make the promise forever. It is too long! Brad to her hand and asked:”Can you commit to being with me for one year?”

“Naturally”, she answered. He said that he would ask her every year if she wants to renew her vows, and that they would take it year by year. Today they are still happily married. The decision to get married was like skydiving, she explains. “It is a crazy thing to do if you think about it logically, but you pray that the ride down will be fun and that you will land on your feet. According to me people take that leap of faith with naive self belief.” Nobody can tell you if the partner you choose, is going to be right for you (even though there are plenty of times people can warn you and you should listen if that comes from a reliable source, that knows you well and has your best interests at heart...)
It is normal to feel insecure, explains Rachel. “Sometimes a marriage can be stronger if you doubt. If your bond feels a little brittle, you will care for it more to protect it.” (www.yourtango.com)

20 Qualities of a husband to be...

  1. Even if he doesn’t understand it when you cry over the chocolate he has devoured, he calms you and tells you everything will be alright (and he writes down to PMS – he is most likely right!)
  2. He says he loves you, even if it takes everything from him as big, strong caveman to do it, because he knows it is important to you and that it is necessary for you to hear.
  3. He doesn’t sigh with an ‘is-she-ever-going-to-get-it-right attitude’ when you burn the rice, but loads you into the car and takes you to a restaurant, because he knows you tried your best to make him a romantic meal.
  4. He listens to you, even if you tell him about Liezel who is angry with Lizel, because Liesl told Liezel that Lizel doesn’t she chance to be her bridesmaid – even if he is so confused he doesn’t know who he is anymore!
  5. He prefers an evening with you, a bowl of popcorn and Avatar, above a rugby braai with enough meat and beer for an army, and he doesn’t sit and wish he had chosen the other option.
  6. He notices when you change your ordinary bob into a Chinese bob and when you have experimented with your make-up, because he knows you most likely did it for him.
  7. He enjoys caring for you, and when you are ill, he behaves like your guardian angel.
  8. His parents already treat you like the daughter they never had, because they know you are important to him and you make him happy.
  9. He appreciates every peck on the cheek, every washed shirt and all acts that show how much you care for him, and his appreciation he shows by telling you how proud he is of you and praises you in front of the family.
  10. Before he decides to paint the lounge, he asks your advice, because he values your opinion (and realizes that the lounge will most likely be yours before long anyway) and he doesn’t plough ahead without your approval.
  11. He is interested in what you do, and when the last episode of Army wives is on, he doesn’t moan about the first half of his rugby game that he is going to miss, but gives you the remote and makes the coffee.
  12. He makes you feel special by having flowers delivered to your work and sends you a soppy sms every now and again – even though it makes him blush from head to toe.
  13. Your friends are crazy about him and believe he is the best thing that has happened to you.
  14. He gets on well with your family, and doesn’t just become part of your father’s inner circle, but realizes what a privilege it is, and he makes an effort to make them feel good.
  15. You don’t necessarily agree about plasma television screens, but about charity, beliefs, finances (most of the time!) and raising children.
  16. If you never dated and the passion wasn’t all consuming, you were friends that loved spending time together.
  17. You trust him without going through his sms’s or e-mails, because you realize it is one of the most important qualities of a husband to be, and he can have the peace about you.
  18. You don’t get the goose bumps when he touches you anymore, be you still melt when he kisses you and you still think you can drown in his eyes.
  19. He is not afraid to talk about the future, because it doesn’t make him feel as if he has been pushed into a corner, but he knows it is a reality he wants to share with you.
  20. You feel safe with him physically, financially and emotionally.

When you choose your life partner, don’t look for someone who meets your immediate needs. We know it is difficult to avoid a tanned six pack, but previous Miss SA, Cindy Nel says: “What are you going to do in your old age with a six pack? You need someone with whom you can share your whole life.”

Author and motivational speaker, Dr. Grace Cornish, says women should not get caught in the search for a specific package. “If you think he is the one for you, don’t write him off because he doesn’t wear a certain suit or drive a specific model of car,” she says. Get to know him and discover his true values. After you have moved past the physical, you can then get to know the emotional and spiritual, where you will see love and opportunity waiting and smiling at you.”

Additional sources:
Associatedcontent.com; bestezines.com; shine.yahoo.com