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17October2018

Intimacy4us

Be the Adam God created you to be ...

In this article INTIMACY doesn’t only tell you who to be, but how to recognise who you really are so that you can become who you want to be. Our quiz comes from What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew about Sex: a Guide for Christian Men …

Evaluate yourself: Discover your strengths and weaknesses
It’s important to know where you are now — your strengths and weaknesses in relation to sex. You can’t improve your sex life if you don’t understand yourself. Answer these questions honestly, and your answers will help you set the right goals.

ABOUT YOU
I know how often I want to have sex.            
I know what my favourite position is.            
I know what turns me on.                
I know what time of the day I’m most in the mood.    
I know what makes me feel powerful and excited.         
I know what makes me feel powerless and disinterested.    
I know God is part of my sexuality.        
I know how to please my wife.            
I know how important sex is to me.            
I am comfortable talking about these issues with her.    

ABOUT HER
I know how often she wants to have sex.            
I know what her favourite position is.            
I know what turns her on.                
I know what time of the day she’s most in the mood.    
I know what makes her feel powerful and excited.         
I know what makes her feel powerless and disinterested.    
I know that God is part of her sexuality.        
I have told my wife what pleases me.            
I know how important sex is to her.            
She is comfortable talking about these issues with me.

YOUR RELATIONSHIP
We regularly discuss our sex life.            
We talk about our sexual likes and dislikes.    
We talk about our sexual fantasies.        
We know each other’s sexual history and upbringing.
We make our sex life a priority.        
Sex is not a weapon or a crutch for us.        
We tell one another when we’re not in the mood.    
We pray about our sex life.            
We feel free to ask for things in the bedroom.    
Our sex life is fun and exciting.        

If you answered ‘yes’ to most of these questions, you’re either in denial or a sexual dynamo, believe writers Ryan Howes, Richard Rupp and Stephen W. Simpson. Your ‘yes’ answers are your strengths. As you re-look at these answers, you may recognise common themes, and realise where you need to improve. Don’t panic about where you lack — they simply show where there are opportunities for growth!

We challenge you! (1)
Go to your wife and share with her your sexual strengths and areas of growth, as the quiz reveals. Tell her about your strengths and weaknesses and ask for her feedback. The goal of this is to communicate about what you discovered, not to solve all of your weaknesses in one foul swoop. Tell her what you think, and ask her if she agrees or disagrees, or has anything to add.

Establish concrete goals
This will give you long-term vision and short-term motivation. The authors recommend the following:

  • “Be positive: ‘Master the art of cunnilingus’ is a much better goal than ‘don’t ejaculate prematurely.’
  • “Don’t set goals that are too high. For example, don’t set a goal of having sex every day if you currently have sex once a year. Goals should seem difficult, but not impossible.” Remember: baby steps ...
  • “Don’t set your goals too low. Goals should not be so easy that they take no effort to achieve. Be sure to challenge yourself.”

Decide on three goals based on the areas you need to improve in. Decide on a goal for each section of the evaluation: you, her and your relationship. Write these goals down, as well as the reasons you would like to address them and some practical steps towards reaching them. If you still aren’t sure, try focusing on the following areas: sex and intimacy; sex and creativity; sex as a priority; sex and fun; sexual attitudes; sex and your body; sex and spirituality and sex and your history.

Review your goals weekly and show them to your wife so that she knows what you are trying to achieve. Don’t get discouraged — it takes a while to change old habits. Remember to pray and ask God to honour your desire to change. After you’ve met each one of these goals, enjoy the satisfaction of having done so!

We challenge you! (2)
Remember those New Year’s resolutions you didn’t keep? Or that list of things to do around the house that you never finish? Don’t let that happen this time! If you have accepted this challenge, call two or three of your closest friends and tell them what your goals are. Ask them to check up on you every couple of weeks so that they can hold you accountable for reaching those goals. Not only will this help you stay committed, but it will help strengthen the friendship as well.

Craft a mission statement
All major institutions have mission statements, because these define a clear, sharp focus for their efforts. Yours should be one you can memorize, thus not too long. The formula of this mission statement should be simple: vision + action = your mission. When we tell ourselves something often enough, we will start to adapt to that statement. Think about the kind of lover you would like to be or the kind of sexual atmosphere you would like to create in your marriage. Consider starting your statement with one of these phrases:

“I create ...”
“I am ...”
“I seek ...”
“I am becoming ...”
“I achieve ...”

If you’re still unsure, consider these examples:

“I produce an intimate, passionate marriage ...”
“I am a strong, compassionate, exciting man ...”

This should be a vision, not true of who you are now, but what you want to achieve. Next, you need to decide how you’ll achieve it. Add the words ‘by’ or ‘who’ to the end of the vision portion, and complete the sentence. E.g.
“I produce an intimate, passionate marriage by regularly expressing my deepest needs to my wife.”

We challenge you! (3)
If you repeat an action daily for 21 days, it increases the likelihood of forming a habit. It’s easier to remember to do something every day when it is paired with another task. Memorize your mission statement and repeat it at the same time every day (while shaving, when you eat lunch or just before you watch the news) for three weeks.

You’ve evaluated yourself, set goals and created a sexual mission statement. Hopefully, you understand yourself much better now. That’s a lot of work, and you deserve to celebrate. Go and have sex!